There is a point in everyone's life where you realize that you are stuck. You have now come up a road block that will stop you from living the rest of your life. This moment can happen at any time. It can be the moment you find out that you are not graduating with the rest of your friends because you failed a year. It could be the last few seconds before that eighteen wheeler hits your car throwing you and everything else around like a rag doll. The moment you find out that the only person you truly loved is not who you though they were. The day you find out that you no longer have your dream job because guess what the economy is shit and everyone has to suffer for it.With camera flashes blinding you as you go up to receive you’re diploma for getting a degree. While standing in the hospital waiting for find out if your loved one pulled through the accident they just had only to see the pained look on the doctors face, ready to tell you that “im sorry but we did all we could”. It is in moments like these that your life stops and you realized what do I do now? How can you go on? Where do you do in order to keep yourself going? How can you keep going? Is there even a point in going on? Why bother now? This is the end of your life you are now done. What do you do when you’ve reached this point. When everyone else is turning to you to be strong one. The one the keeps it all together and never lets anyone else down. What do you do now that you have nothing or everything right in front of you? How do you know what path to choice? How can you go on this path alone? How can you be the person everyone wants you to be. When that diploma entered your hand you were suppose to start the rest of your life. But now, you have a huge wall in front of you not letting you go anywhere. Why is this wall here and what happened to all the endless choices. Well they are all on the other side of that wall waiting for you to get to them. They are waiting, laughing and mocking you as they watch you. What are you suppose to do now? You have this diploma in your hand but you have no where to go. Your whole family is looking up to you waiting for you to go on into the world to success yet the harder you try to get yourself up on a going over that wall it just seems to get taller and  bigger. It is as if it is not letting you through. But why? This is the day you have been waiting for. The beginning of the rest of your life. This is the moment that dreams are made of yet here you are stuck. Staring at this wall. While standing there you begin to question, why is this wall here? Who put it up here and what did I do to them to deserve this? You stand there thinking. Was this made by someone who did not want you to succeed. Who didn’t want to see you happy going off into world to be who you want to do. Why is it here and how can you move it? You try and try and nothing seemed to be working. Every time you think you are about to get over it, something happens and you are back at the bottom. Here you though that once you threw away all their stuff and rid yourself of everything that reminded you of your love one you could move forward. It was all going great until you found that stuffed bear you got at the carnival with them and the tears start to fall again. The walls starts to go up again. Why did you not find that bear while you were cleaning? Did someone plant it there wanting you to fail. The world is against you. Or is it really? Are you the one that is holding you back? Are you the one keeping yourself grounded behind that wall. Are you doing this because you are scared to move forward. Did you know that bear was under the bed but you chose to ignore it wanting to keep it there. As a memory even if you knew that it would cause you to start the grieving proses all over again? Have you tried everything to get a decent job only to find that no matter how good you are in an interview you seem to be missing something. Could it be that you are scared of what lies ahead and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you want this you are still scared. You are scared to go at it alone. Nothing is ever easy to go at alone. But if you don’t have anyone to help you over that wall you will never make it? Or will you? How will you know until you swallow all your fears and throw yourself at that wall.

I wrote this because I feel like I am stuck and I don’t know why. I mean I am trying to get a job and trying to start my career but something is holding me back. I don’t know if it is my career path, the lack of jobs out there or just something about me that won’t let me move forward. I can’t seem to figure out if it is one or all of these things. I am having a hard time finding a job that I can do in this economy and I know I shouldn’t be blaming hard times for my lack of skills. Everyone is telling me that it isn’t my fault that I can’t find anything better because of how the economy is right now. But is this just an excuse because I am not trying? Can I really accept this excuse or should I try hard and hard until I realize that maybe this isn’t me. Do I really know who I am? Is this really what I want to go into. I will never know till I can try it. But in order for that to happen I need to find someone who will give me a chance. Won’t someone please take a chance?

I did wake up today with a migraine which sucked ass but what can you do sometimes. Worked through it even if I did throw up a few times. >< Ah well I'm feeling better now.

Here's what my cake looked like. Delicious!


 

It was quite slow at work today. Not many people came by so it wasn't as frustrating like most times. Lol! Anyways the only thing interesting I have to say is that I got an unexpected small gesture this morning. I got my pay stub this morning and at the bottom of it whoever did them wrote "Happy Birthday" It was a nice gesture seeing as no one at the place I worked at would be that nice to do it. Guess new management was a nice change.

Ill update if there's more to say. I'm currently on season 4 of Desperate Housewives and it's drawn me in ><

Lexa


( Here's something funnny I found enjoy )
 

The thick strands of black hair slowly moved on the pale face as another chill breath passed through thin red lips. The thin aburn cloak waved in and out of the wind behind the figure as it sat purched on a worn stone tombstone. If it wasn't for the movement of fabric, it could be mistaken for a very lifelike statue. For the past few weeks the figure stayed in that exact spot all night long. Once the sun was up again, they would disappear untill it went down.

It was a bit pasted midnight when the figure showed some signs of moment. A pale slim hand reached into the cloak pocket, pulling out a slim box of cigarettes. Once the cancer stick was out of the box and nestled gently between the firm lips, the figure quickly lit it before taking a deep breath. Moments later a long cool breath escaped the figures lips, just as the long black hood fell away from its face revealing Lexa Avery.

Lexa had been sitting on the same gravestone everynight for the past month waiting and hoping that he would show up. It had been a while since she had seen him and after everything they went through, she knew he couldn't just throw it away. Not without a fight. At least she wasn't going to let him throw it away. Everynight she would sit there and wait, knowing he would come when he finally swallowed his anger and pride. There were some nights when she could tell he was near but never showed himself. She would wait as long as it took to finally get him to talk to her.

To this day she would never believe that such a trival agrument would break up a long lasting tight friendship. Especially one with so many secrets like theirs. Sighing heavily, Lexa played with the cigarette in her fingers, as she stared at tan line on her ring finger. It seemed like years since there was something on there, yet there were no regrets on her part for what happened. But that was a completely different story one that didn't need to surface unless it was noticed.

Taking another long puff from the cigarette, Lexa sighed and turned her attention to a mighty oak tree that stood a couple yards away. Her eyes flashed for a moment when the wind blew a new scent her way. Licking her lips, she took another puff of the cigarette. "Can't hide forever Alex. You're drawn to this place and you can't avoid it." She said casually not even raising her voice knowing Alex would hear either way.


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Let me know what you think. I only wish I could actually have that person respond. This was a juicy storyline. My only character I had the most detail on. >< Hell I'd even be curious to see how you reply to it.